The Chronicles Of Johnny Shotwell: Page 43

FOREWARD: Greetings my wonderful friends, the story is closing up now. I have a surprise for you in a few more days. This last week has been tough for this little witch. I dare say, I’ve wanted to drink really bad. But in my mind I am thinking of two ladies who are reading this story.. Both from PS. They told me to call on them in my mind. Well I am doing so now. I may not be drinking but life is still not a bed of roses. Forgive myself? I think you’re right…I haven’t. But I am trying to. Guess I just need to do so.

My son.. Age 27. Hoping he and I move to Louisiana next year. Y’alll_65fccaa39c8145e9827f930c6dc50662 pray he comes to see me next Sunday. Father’s day and all.

Back to the story……

Here it was Friday evening, the eve of the conference and I was told a ride would be picking me up soon. I was very anxious, as I said in the last page.. I am lacking in the trust department and this trip would require a lot of trust. I was getting a ride from a strange (maybe) man I didn’t know. Dear me! He arrived pretty much as scheduled and he seemed nice enough. We were able to have a pleasant conversation on the way to the big city..on the way to Dallas. He was a smoker so I was able to calm my nerves by smoking. We arrived at the fancy hotel and I was told to put my luggage in the ballroom. I started to put it there and one of the guys running the conference told me I couldn’t leave it there… Sigh… I saw the kind man who had set me up for the conference and he told me to put the luggage in the steering committees room until the evening was up. Hell, I didn’t know these people, what if they went through my stuff (as if I had to hide anything) the rest of the evening went well.. But I didn’t know where I was going to spend the night.

I finally found out I was going to be staying with “Mrs. Thing” a really weird gay male from the Lambda AA group in Dallas. His house was disgustingly filthy. I was so embarrassed for him. There was trash everywhere, dirty food plates lay all over the small apartment. I was horrified to say the least. I was disgusted! Mrs. Thing was a slob. The next morning I overslept and the thing left me alone, forgot me, I was pissed. My bed was a small love-seat. They came and got me later that evening. I was not a happy camper.. But as is always the case for me, I kept quiet. I was told to take my luggage with me and had hopes I wouldn’t have to return. I had a good time and I kept telling all who would listen, all the atrocities I had committed in Gainesville prior to my last treatment. I had called all the people (well not all, but a lot) from the AA phone list in Gainesville and told everyone I was gay while I was in a blackout (I found this out when I got home from treatment) I had ticked a lot of folks off. That was my worst nightmare come true. I had and have a serious problem with people knowing I’m gay. I’m still in the closet. It was horrible to imagine. I was asking the folks at the conference center for advice on how I should deal with this problem once I returned to AA back home.

I probably shouldn’t even show you this picture, a terrible photo of me andl_eede4f1756214ece8023164d40d798bb John Jr. Thanksgiving 2009.
Finally I had a man come up to me at the conference and he said. “Oh- you’re the guy with the homophobia problem.” I had rambled so much about it that the good folks there had tired of it. I couldn’t help I was freaking out about it. I never did get a satisfying answer to my predicament. The problem was that I suffered from internalized homophobia. I have trouble accepting myself for being gay. These days (as is the case in 2010) I have no gay social life and it gets pretty depressing. I feel like I am the only gay person in Gainesville. The man I talked to at the convention told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. Geeze how rude!

It seemed as though most of the gay men at the conference were snobby and stuck on themselves. All they really wanted was sex. It just seemed that I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not there, not at home… No where. How sad! I still hadn’t found out where I was going to spend the night at and I was a nervous wreck. I was wishing I had never come to the damn convention; it was causing me way too much stress. I was a nervous wreck. I was an outcast…. That night I stayed the night with a drag queen. At least her/his house was clean and he made me feel welcome..

The harsh reality of it coming up……. Blessed Be

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